In our previous installment, we examined some reasons relationships fail in the Philippines due to male malfeasance; that is –addiction problems, womanizing issues (arguably interchangeable at times), tendencies to disrespect women and failure to adequately invest in the relationship.
And recognizing that what’s good for the goose is also good for the gander, we are now going to turn to the woman’s role in contributing to a failed (or failing) relationship.
GENDER NOTE: To keep things simple, I am using “he” for a male foreigner and “she” for his Filipina partner. If you are gay, a female foreigner or a ladyboy, please feel free to shift around the gender descriptors to your heart’s content. J
With that properly noted, here’s some of the things a Filipina can do that allows a relationship to fail.
I. Pre-Planned Failure
This in short is a completely contrived and fake relationship. Also can be seen as a scam or long or short-term hustle. The Filipina has entered the relationship with no intention of seeing it through. Her sole purpose there is to make as much money and accrue as many gadgets as she possibly can before tossing her foreigner partner to the curb. The ultimate prize is – of course – a plot of land and hopefully her very own house (purchased with his money but in her name). Oftentimes, she will have multiple foreing partners at once, typically keeping them at arm’s length through the impersonal machinations of the internet. In some cases they work in teams, alternating communications and only having one of them do “face time” video with the hapless mark.
There isn’t much that can be done in the face of preplanned failure. The best recourse a foreign victim has is to recognize it as quickly as possible and simply get out.
Run. Don’t walk.
II. Excessive Neediness and Jealousy
Filpinos are socially close. As in, really, really close. Family and friends are generally the be-all and end-all of their lives and they try to spend as much time with them as humanly possible. As babies they are doted over, passed around and subjected to incessant hugs and kisses. Growing up, they often sleep in the same room as their siblings (or parents) or even the same bed. The concept of “personal space” and social boundaries when it comes to loved ones is a fairly alien concept to them. As Western foreigners, we are used to having our own time and space when in a relationship. An excellent example of this is the idea of a “man cave” – a section of a home that serves as his personal refuge; a closed-off area usually containing a couch or two, a big screen TV (with all 27 permutations of ESPN Sports), a sweet 7.1 surround audio system (to better hear football helmets impacting at unhealthy speeds) and a small fridge stocked with cold beers and partially congealed leftover pizza. Filipinas find privacy concepts like this absurd. After all, why would we not want to spend 24 hours a day non-stop with the women that we love? The same goes for guys’ nights out, which they tend to interpret as us wanting to spend more time with other people instead of them.
Foreigners – those from the West in particular – are used to a certain amount of personal space and time. By not understanding or allowing that, the Filipina can cause harm to the relationship – the more they pull, the more we tend to push away…
As for jealousy in the Philippines, well that’s something that has actually be experienced to be fully appreciated. Filipinas (and Filipinos) are possessed of some of the most extreme jealousy every exhibited in the human condition, and it seems to be ingrained in the culture. Some of the insane levels of jealousy are understandable given many foreigners propensity to “butterfly” (flit from flower/woman to flower/woman) and the cultural acceptance of “iring-iring” (having a mistress on the side). Needless to say, such levels of jealousy and mistrust can cause irreparable damage to any long term relationship.
III. Excessive Drama:
Like point two, a tendency towards excessive drama in more of a cultural thing than any specific failing of a Philippine partner. One of the motivators behind elevated levels of dramatica seems to lie in their infatuation with teleserye TV programming. This contraction of telebisyon (television) and serye (series) is the contemporary evolution of the traditional telenovela and is chock full of intrigue, over-the-top romantic shenanigans, protagonists languishing in hospital beds and a steady supply of crocodile tears. Plot twists (with accompanying dramatic “Bum-bum-buuuuuums” sound effects) abound. Put simply, when it comes to “soap opera” programming, the West ain’t got nothing on the Philippines. Filipinos growing up with teleseryes absorb what they see, and over-the-top drama becomes inculcated – to some extent – in the society.
Foreigners – men in particular – are not used to the levels of drama that one experiences in the Philippines. Too much of it becomes a problem over time and can result in growing resentments, fracturing and causing irrevocable harm to the relationship.
All of this – of course – accompanied by crocodile tears and all the rest. The only thing missing is the dramatic ‘bum-bum-buuuuuuuum’s” in the background….
IV. Spring and Winter Relationships
There are some glaring age differences between Filipina and foreigner couples in the Philippines. Some of these are of the Donald Trump variety (20-25 year difference) but others exist on the far more extreme Anna Nicole Smith/Howard Marshal 60 year age differential. Now granted, some of these relationships are simply for convenience and both parties acknowledge it – he wants some companionship and help and she wants money for herself and/or family. Problems here arise when the elderly gent is led to believe that the girlfriend 40-60 years his junior loves him simply for his good looks, wit and endless charm. Such disparities in age cause a number of issues. From not having similar interests, contrasting physical abilities, disparate tastes in music and entertainment to simply possessing differing levels of physical attraction (poor Melania…), these barriers add up. And let’s face it, a younger, more vibrant and attractive Filipina knows she is hot and deserves a complementary attractive young stud to fulfill her sexual needs. So, no, brother – that’s might not actually be her cousin….
Lack of Communication: He can’t speak Tagalog. She can barely speak English. Not much of real value can be shared when a couple has to communicate in Tarzan English.
She’s In Over Her Head: Young Filipinas (and Filipinos) have basically had their lives mapped out for them: Do your chores, take care of your younger siblings, go to school and take care of your family. Being thrust into a relationship replete with marriage, children and a lifetime of commitment and mutual sacrifice can be a bit overwhelming once the reality starts to settle in.
Immaturity: Filipinas with balat sibuyas probably won’t like hearing this, but there seems to a certain undercurrent of immaturity in the Philippines when it comes to certain things. And being egalitarian, I will also include Filipinos in this overly generalized blanket statement: Tampo, onion skin, and crab mentality has a very strong role in Filipino culture.
ARTICLE FINAL NOTE: Before blowing a head gasket, do yourself a favor and realize that I am speaking in generalities here. Not every foreigner is going to become a drunk, verbally abuse his wife or become a compulsive philanderer. Likewise, not every Filipina is immature, overly dramatic or clingy or planning on scamming some sucker foreigner out of every penny she can. These things do happen and often – to a greater or lesser degree – they contribute to why relationships between foreigners and Filipinas sometimes fail.
When it comes to love, many come to the Philippines expecting things to be easier here. Only after arrival do they slowly (or suddenly) begin to realize that their significant other isn’t going to always be that sweet little subservient partner that they imagined she would be.
Which only makes it: More fun in the Philippines!!!