NOTE: This is the free online version of my book Chasing Your Philippine Dream: An Expat’s Guide to the Philippines. This voluminous tome has been (inconsistently) updated over the last 13 years and can be purchased either through the Amazon Kindle store (more expensive option) or directly from our site via Surecart. All things considered, I’d go with buying the less expensive digital version off of Surecart. It’s the exact same book, and I don’t think that Jeff Bezos needs any more money.
And in case you are wondering why I am publishing the chapters out of order, it’s simply because I want you to buy the actual book. I gots a family to feed!
Chapter 7: Relationships Part Two
IT’S DIFFERENT HERE…
OK, so you’ve meet a nice woman and things are going swimmingly until… she goes insanely jealous over nothing, starts doom scrolling on her phone and – apart from an occasional dark glare – totally ignores you…
Welcome to the Philippines, brother!
JEALOUSY
Jealousy in the Philippines has to be seen to be believed. You’ll hear about Filipinas being insanely (as in needing-to-be-institutionalized) jealous, but until you’ve personally experienced it, it can’t be fully appreciated. It’s like having a root canal – hearing about it and having one are two totally separate experiences. Sources suggest that this exaggerated sense of jealousy arose from the 400 years of Spanish rule and the ‘hot-blooded’ nature of Latina woman. In this modern and enlightened age, that wouldn’t be politically correct, though. So, I won’t say it. Even though I just did.
Regardless of its source, when the exploding H-bomb of Pinay jealousy detonates in your proximity, don’t say you haven’t been warned.
REASONS FOR JEALOUSY
The Prize – As a foreigner, you are oftentimes seen as a prize. Various economic and cultural reasons are behind this, some of which we will look at later in the Mythic Allure of the Westerner section. Just accept that in most instances, simply being from a First World country immediately elevates your status in the Philippines. And yes, sadly the Philippines is still a very class-conscious country.
The Beautiful People – There are literally millions of other beautiful Filipinas in the Philippines. Your Better Half is fully aware of this, and a good number of them will be worried that you will ‘stray.’
Players – Thanks to all the sexpats and “mongers” that roll in and out of SE Asia, many Filipinas have been burnt by foreigners. At the very least, they will have friends or know of others that have been promised the world in return for a roll in the sack. She won’t want to suffer the same fate, so the next time your lady goes completely bonkers over what to you, seems like nothing, keep that in mind.
Covet Your Neighbor’s – People want what other people have in the Philippines, and Filipinas have a reputation of angling in on other Filipina’s boyfriends. Many Filipinos recognize this (and many foreigners as well) and use it to their advantage. To see it in action, just take a walk with your better half: You’ll often find yourself getting more attention from other Filipinas then you would if you were walking about by yourself.
If you’re interested about more on jealousy in the Philippines, don’t worry – we’ll be revisiting it again in a later section. There, we’ll be looking at some additional factors that contribute to jealousy and the cumulative toll it can have on a relationship.
TAMPO
Tampo is VERY common in the Philippines. And it’s not limited to Filipinas – Filipino males are also known to exhibit signs of it as well. For those not (yet) in the know, tampo is best described as “the silent treatment.” A Filipino or Filipina will get offended by something you do or say (or don’t do or say…) and will pretty much refuse to tell you what the problem is. They’ll become sullen, withdrawn and – if they don’t have their cell phone – will stare off into space with a sad, pensive air. Questions will be ignored and conciliatory overtures will prove equally fruitless.
Let’s pretend the offended Philippine national is your girlfriend. As her uyab (boyfriend), it is expected that you will shower her with lambing (gifts/sweet words) when she goes tampo – telling her how beautiful and wonderful she is, how much you love her and how you would no doubt die a protracted death without her. Hugs, kisses, and offerings of flowers or small gifts are also useful in in the face of the dreaded tampo.
The process of tampo is pretty foreign to a Westerner – pun intended. When initially faced with tampo, some foreigners will interpret it as emotional manipulation (which it pretty much is) and will absolutely refuse to put up with it. That’s all well and fine, but recognizing the cultural and social dynamics of tampo is important if you are going to be in a long-term (or even short term) relationship in the Philippines. And as previously noted, tampo is not reserved solely for Filipinas – Filipinos will also exhibit tampo when they feel they have been slighted as will children when feeling insulted or neglected.
The good news is once your righteous path of devotion and fidelity is resumed, these occurrences will usually occur less frequently. If it doesn’t – and it’s becoming an insurmountable problem within the relationship – it might be time to move on.
Jaded Expat: A tampo-tantrum is a great excuse to head out and down some beers with the boys. This will infuriate her even more, so I’m usually able to turn it into a two or three day bender.
SCAMMERS
Jump into any expat forum and you will soon come across foreigners crying about being ‘scammed’ by Filipinas. Here at My Philippine Dreams, we tend to not look at accusations of scams and scammers the same way that these guys do. In our opinion, what tends to transpire in the Philippines is more akin to a hustle than a typical scam – the girl is using what she has (youth and beauty) in order to separate the gullible from what they have (usually money). And don’t assume that all this hustling is just on their end. We foreigners are also hustling what we have in order to get what they have. Therefore, in our thinking – it’s a two-way street, with both sides being a part the ‘game’ whether they realize it or not.
Jaded Expat: Sigh…. Put simply, a scam is usually illegal while a hustle is not. I, for one, am a consummate hustler, utilizing my Western White status in the Philippines to get what I want. It’s not illegal, but I have had a few issues along the way with angry relatives of the slighted Filipinas….
Hustle issues occur mainly when one side isn’t aware of it, usually because they have been blinded by their emotions. To avoid becoming a victim, let’s take a look at love, lust and the separation of rational and irrational thought.
And speaking of being blinded by your emotions, let’s delve into what happens when a lonely expatriate finds himself in just that situation. And for anyone who states that they haven’t ever been blinded by love at some point in their lives, they’re either a sociopath or a liar.
APPLYING LOGIC TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Applying logic to the emotional state one experiences in a relationship is typically an effort in futility. Logic – in and of itself – is a rational and objective state. A relationship on the other hand is usually based on emotions, which are best described as irrational and subjective. Therefore, when we enter into a relationship and manage to fall in love, much – if not all – of that objectivity merrily flies out the window. Sometimes with catastrophic results.
In most cases, love is a healthy state, beneficial to all involved. It is, after all, how our species continues to exist. In other case, however , it can manifest as what we’ll simply call ‘unhealthy love.’ There is very real difference between healthy and unhealthy love, one being a centered and rewarding place to be, the other verging into ‘not so much.’ And for those held in the thrall of unhealthy love, a number of bad things can happen; oftentimes without the victim even being aware of them. ‘Blinded by love’ isn’t a simple aphorism, it is very real condition – as many who are reading this right now can attest.
Relationships are a funny thing: They can take the most grounded and intrinsically sound person you know and remold them into a person you barely recognize. Immersed in the emotive irrationality of an unhealthy love state, that level-headed buddy of yours suddenly becomes an impulsive, blathering idiot that has lost all sense of proportion and reality.
Or maybe – looking back – we’ll recognize that impulsive, blathering idiot as ourselves.
So, it’s safe to say that when you enter into an emotional relationship, much of your good sense and rational thinking is going to go right out the window.
Jaded Expat: Ned for once knows of what he speaks. He was the ‘blathering idiot’ in the first half of 2018!
HOW IT AFFECTS YOU
The malady of head-over-heels love is characterized by a number of symptoms. With our own emotional history in mind, lets take a look at some of them.
Impulsive Acts – An individual gripped by unhealth love might find themselves doing things they normally wouldn’t, such as sending money to they you haven’t met or telling friends and family they have fallen in love with someone online. Impulsivity is rarely a good thing and can lead to serious repercussions.
Clouded Judgment – Simply put, the lovesick sop stops making good decisions. Note that clouded judgment factors into just about every other aspect of this emotive state.
Baloney Detector Failure – The individual’s ability to separate fact from fiction becomes compromised. In other words, it becomes difficult for them to cut through all the lies and manipulation. When you hear your buddy saying he has to send his true love money because her grandmother died, you might recall that this is the third time she has died.
Boundary Failure – The unhealthy lover finds himself unable to maintain “red lines” – limits that he had previously put on the relationship and what he is and is not willing to do.
She’s Different Syndrome – They put their Significant Other up on a pedestal – she’s not like other girls and no one can tell him differently. This one by itself is all too common, and usually ends with catastrophic results.
HOW IT AFFECTS YOUR PARTNER
In addition to all the points noted above, your partner is also vulnerable to a few other aspects of the emotional irrationality of unhealthy love. Here’s just two of those.
I Can Change Him – Women sometimes see themselves as the savior of the relationship and as a catalyst for positive change. As with the “She’s Different Syndrome, this one usually doesn’t end well.
Financial Leverage – Economic pressures in a relationship can make the woman put up with a lot more than she normally would, including abuse and neglect. I’m sure most – if not all – of us have been witness to this at some point in our lives. I myself can’t tell you the number of times I have seen a Filipina put up with things she shouldn’t have to just to maintain financial security. And keep in mind that I am not talking about money she is keeping for herself – oftentimes, that money is going to provide food for her family.
COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN
When just one partner is immersed in emotional subjectivity, rational communication is very difficult. When both partners are acting and thinking irrationally, it’s often impossible. It’s kind of like reasoning with a drunk – you can be as concise and cogent as you want to be, but it’s not going to do a lot of good. And it’s even worse when both parties have been in their cups. Or in a state of unhealthy love.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
In dealing with a sudden loss of logic and rational thought (and action) in a relationship, there are a few things you can do to help yourself, your partner and the relationship that you are sharing.
LISTEN
Listening to friends and family is incredibly important when it comes to dealing with the irrationality of an unhealthy relationship. Being in an objective space, they have a better appreciation of what is really going on. And being real friends and loving family, they probably want what is best for you. Again, though, if you are in an unhealthy space and not thinking very clearly, listening to friends and family is going to be a difficult endeavor for both you AND them.
WRITE IT DOWN
What’s actually going on? In order to make some sense of things, sit down and write up an inventory of where things stand, preferably with a friend who might be able to give you a more objective opinion. Ask yourself, Am I violating the boundaries I once set for myself? Am I overlooking things because I think She is Different from everyone else? Is everyone around me telling me that this relationship isn’t healthy?
TAKE SOME TIME OFF
Like a vagrant being tossed into a drunk tank, taking some time off from the relationship can be a good thing. Separating yourself from the stress and influence of a toxic relationship goes a long way in restoring some semblance of objectivity and rational thought. And although your partner might not like it, you can stress the reasons on why you are doing it – telling her that you want the relationship to work, but that you are having a hard time with how things presently stand.
NOTE: Those involved in separating foreigners from their money are well aware of this irrational state will often use it to their advantage!
OK, so now that we have wrapped up our episode of Pilipino Dr. Phil, let’s do a 180-degree turnaround and talk about the hopeful end result of true love in a dedicated relationship – getting hitched.
GETTING MARRIED
Being a generally conservative and traditional country, marriage (and lots of kids) is very important to the vast majority of Filipinos. The good Filipinas that you meet, date and have relationships with are generally looing for two things – they want to get married and have a kid or two. It’s really just that simple, and don’t be a Chad and think that this isn’t the case. Even if you tell your partner that you “don’t believe” in the strictures of marriage, she isn’t going to believe you. Sure, she will nod her head in apparent understanding but will be thinking “I will just bide my time and get him to fall in love and marry me.” I can’t tell you the number of times I have seen this happen.
MARRIAGE PROS
- Gives an indication of fidelity and devotion
- Wife/husband sounds a lot better than boyfriend/girlfriend when you’re over 50
- Some residency restrictions lift a bit for those married to Filipinas/Filipinos
- Can avail yourself of balikbayan visas and save yourself time and money
- You can finally tell curious Filipinos that, “Yes, I am indeed married.” (Which will – of course – bring on the question of how many children you have…)
- Social Security survivor benefits can be passed on to your wife – note though that there is also a US residency requirement for this; at least if you are an American. If you have children, however, their survivor benefits can financially help your family after you are gone.
MARRIAGE CONS
- Wife can leave you at any time. If you have purchased property in her name, you’ll usually be asked to leave
- Once you’re married in the Philippines, it’s hard to get a divorce or annulment
- You’re locked in for the long haul, brother. Outside of having kids, this is the biggest responsibility there is
Note that some couples are deciding to get married outside of the Philippines, typically heading off to Hong Kong to tie the knot. This is done to protect the Filipina – if things don’t work out, she can easily get divorced and won’t be “paper-married” to her husband for the rest of her life. Alternatively, there is now provision for a foreigner to return to his home country, petition for a divorce and have it granted. If the Filipina agrees to this, the marriage will be squashed. Both approaches are viable.
Also keep in mind that if you are intending to return to the United States with your Filipina, it is actually easier (and quicker) to secure a K-1 fiancé visa than it is to secure a post-marriage spousal visa.
JEALOUSY IN THE PHILIPPINES
Although we touched on it earlier, jealousy in the Philippines really is deserving of its own section. As previously promised/threatened, here is a deeper examination of this great, green monster.
Jealousy is an ugly thing. If you want to bring out someone’s worst qualities in the most expeditious and efficient manner, just give them a reason to be jealous. Can’t relate? If you’ve never felt that overwhelming sense of sickness and borderline psychosis that the condition can manifest, than you’ve never truly been jealous. So, either consider yourself lucky or seek counseling. As with claiming that you’ve never experienced ‘unhealthy love,’ saying you have never been jealous is not normal. Sorry.
Having carefully crafted and molded it over the course of generations, the Philippines brings jealousy to a whole new level. I can sit here and tell you about it all I want, but until you actually experience it, you’ll really have no idea. It’s kind of like when someone tells you how pretty Filipinas are or how beautiful the coral reefs are – it’s something that you actually have to see for yourself to fully appreciate. The problem that Westerners might experience with jealousy in the Philippines lies in the fact that we see excessive, incessant jealousy as a sign of mental instability. For some of us older folks, the movie “Fatal Attraction” may come to mind, with visions of Glenn Close raging after Michael Douglas with a kitchen knife. In the Philippines, however, excessive jealousy isn’t seen like that – it’s actually a part of the culture. And, no – I am not being an apologist for what many foreigners see as a most irrational and pernicious state of mind. Instead – and as you will hopefully see – there are a good number of cultural and structural factors in place that contribute to rampant displays of jealousy in Filipino relationships.
When you first experience jealousy in the Philippines, you might be flattered. It may have been quite some time since someone has exhibited jealousy in our presence. After a while, though, that flattery will subside, and you’ll seriously start to think that this sweet woman is an utter maniac, replete with paranoid and delusional behavior and beliefs. And again, if you’ve never been here, it’s hard to truly appreciate just how deep this can go.
CAUSES
Before going on, let’s take a look at some of the cultural and structural reasons why unbridled jealousy is so prevalent in the Philippines. Some have been touched on previously, but they are worth a second visit.
- The Spanish Influence: The Philippines was a Spanish colony for over 300 years. One of the many aspects of Latino culture that got passed on was the tradition of having mistresses. In Tagalog, this is known as kabit (which is gender neutral) and in Bisaya it is something along the lines of iring-iring (literally ‘cat-cat’). Families in the Philippines have long experience with this by-blow of macho culture, with fathers, grandfathers, brothers, etc. having had their own kabit side pieces. Your prospective mate doesn’t want this to happen to their relationship and will always be on the lookout for it.
- Abandonment: Some women have born witness to what happens with friends (or themselves) becoming single mothers and the father (either Filipino or foreigner) shirking their responsibilities and moving away. I can’t tell you the number of feckless foreigners I know who have gotten their Pinay partner pregnant and simply moved back to their home nation, other countries or simply a different area of the Philippines.
- Players: “Chickboys” come in both local and exotic (foreigner) flavors. Most Filipinas are looking for an exclusive, committed relationship and are not keen on sharing their prospective mate with anyone else. Combining this with their experiences with the mistress (kabit) tradition makes for a volatile mix.
- Teleseryes: Many local soap operas prominently feature dramatic infidelity-based story lines. Drama is HUGE in the Philippines, and Filipinos love their teleseryes soap operas. In 2024, just one Pinoy serye, Beauty Empire, was averaging over 2,000,000 concurrent views per episode. Being exposed to these throughout their lifetime inculcates an even deeper suspicion of other’s intents.
- Gossip – Chismis can be a big factor in the realm of jealousy. You might be out shopping someday, say a nice word to a saleswoman and accept the store receipt with a smile. If a friend of your significant other sees that, however, and it gets passed down the “coconut telegraph,” you might find yourself confronted for shamelessly flirting with some strange girl and getting her phone number. Gossip (chismis) is a popular past time in the Philippines, and it can cause big problems in a relationship.
- Other Women: Filipinas realize that there are lots of pretty ladies in the Philippines. Millions, actually. And contrary to the ‘shy and reserved’ stereotype, they are not always shrinking violets when it comes to showing interest. You will actually notice this more when you are in the company of your significant other than when you are alone, this being a part of the ‘crab mentality’ that is in good supply in the country. What’s odd is that other Filipinas will express interest in you while in the company of their own boyfriends. A former uyab of mine reckoned they are doing that to make their own boyfriends jealous. If so, that sheds some more light on this whole jealousy thing in regards to the social mores and traditions of the Philippines.
JEALOUSY-FUELED INSANITY/INANITY
So, now that we’ve looked at some of the social and historical factors that contribute to the exaggerated sense of jealousy (and drama) that you’ll see in the Philippines, let’s examine some of the behaviors that may arise from it – and like I said, some of them can be pretty extreme.
Oh and before we do that, let me ask: How many times a day should you tell your Filipina you love her?
That one’s easy.Never enough, my friend. Never enough.
JEALOUS-FUELED BEHAVIORS
No More Privacy: As noted earlier, the American National Security Agency really missed an excellent opportunity by not outsourcing its electronic intelligence collection to the Philippines. When it comes to keeping tabs on your each and every move, don’t be surprised to find out that your once private texts, emails, WhatsApp and Facebook accounts have suddenly become open source. Although not unheard of in the West, this is pretty much standard operating procedure in the Philippines. It’s shocking the first time it happens, and pretty much grounds for instant separation. By about the twentieth or thirtieth time (with as many woman), you will start to notice a pattern forming and resign yourself to these continued invasions of privacy. So, in short, don’t be surprised to find your Pinay partners going through whatever electronic communications you might possess. I know this is true because Edward Snowden told me.
Watch Where You’re Watching: She knows what you are looking at. Even if you are different rooms, Filipinas are possessed of an otherworldly to know if you are looking at another girl. If you’re out with a group and another woman gets up from the table, you better be looking right into the eyes of your significant other as the other woman sexically sashays away. Oh, and don’t even try the whole “Honey, it’s simply an involuntary reaction…..” excuse. Yeah, good luck with that one, buddy.
Set Your Phone to Vibrate: Every incoming phone call or text is seen as a potential threat. Even after you have been together for a while, she will still raise her eyebrows whenever a notification sounds from your phone. (Watch those eyebrows, brother!) And as more time passes, she might say with an apparently easy smile, “Oh, another girlfriend texting you.” Don’t be fooled – she’s not really smiling….
The Eyes are Upon You: Once you get to the Philippines, you will soon realize that every Filipino personally knows about six billion other Filipinos. And we’re not just talking ‘Facebook friends’ here. Six billion is a slight exaggeration, but at times it doesn’t seem too far from the mark. Due to the extended family/clan systems that are in place here, Filipinos tend to know a whole lot more people than the typical Westerner does. And since Filipino families are less transient than those in the West, their family and clan roots run deep in the local community. Even in a city the size of Dumaguete (145,000 full-time population – 400,000+ day-time population), it’s shocking how many Filipinos know each other. So, don’t be surprised if your each and every move is being watched. Not to sound paranoid, but that’s just the way it is. Add this to their tendency to chismis, and some bad things can come out of it.
So, now that we’ve talked over some of the behaviors and possess a modicum of understanding of what causes it, what the heck do we do if our partner’s jealousy keeps rearing it’s big, ugly head in our relationship? Well, for me, I try to keep things simple. I am not a big fan of issuing ultimatums and drawing lines in the sand when it comes to relationships (they are much too complex to try to simplify that way) so I look at it like this: I had a feeling that Chichay was a really good person. I had been I also knew that I wanted a long-term relationship – something significant and real. My “chickboy” years were well behind me at that point, and I wanted something more substantive. So, when the jealousy things came up, I battened down the hatches, weathered out the storm, and kept a steady course. I wasn’t a doormat, but I also knew that I really loved this woman, and I wasn’t going to let something as irrational as jealousy get in the way of it. We talked, we compromised, and over time the behaviors tapered off. Is jealousy a non-issue now? Is it really all puppies and rainbows in Nedland? Heck, no. It still pops up, but at this point in our relationship, we are able to talk about it, share a genuine laugh and move on.
++ So that’s it for this installment. If you are looking for a more concise/less fragmented version, buy the complete ebook for (a wopping) $6.95 by clicking HERE. Note that it is in epub format, so you will need an appropriate e-reader app (or Kindle) to read it. ++
