NOTE: This is the free online version of my book Chasing Your Philippine Dream: An Expat’s Guide to the Philippines. This voluminous tome has been (inconsistently) updated over the last 13 years and can be purchased either through the Amazon Kindle store (more expensive option) or directly from our site via Surecart. All things considered, I’d go with buying the less expensive digital version off of Surecart. It’s the exact same book, and I don’t think that Jeff Bezos needs any more money.
And in case you are wondering why I am publishing the chapters out of order, it’s simply because I want you to buy the actual book. I gots a family to feed!
Chapter 7: Relationships Part One
INTRODUCTION
The Philippines is overrun by incredibly beautiful people. I am not a big fan of generalizations, but it’s true: The citizens of the Philippines are cursed by genetic happenstance to be some of the finest looking people on the planet. And in a world experiencing national population stagnation or outright decline, the Philippines is seeing just the opposite. In fact, the population growth of the Philippines is twice that of the USA. The country now has 115 million souls residing within its borders, making this relatively small (land-wise) nation the 13th most populated country in the world.
It’s funny – Prior to arriving in the Philippines, I had been told that Filipinos were an attractive bunch. But it wasn’t until I stepped off the plane that I came to fully appreciate just how attractive they were. A heady mix of Malay, Spanish and East Asian awesomeness gleefully cavorts through the gene pool, bestowing all the best those ethnicities have to offer. I guess it comes as no surprise then that Filipinas tend to dominate the international beauty pageant scene. “And this year’s Miss Universe winner/runner up is….. yet another beautiful Filipina!!”
OK, so they’re gorgeous – but what else? Beauty is fleeting at best, and much is to found in the eye of the beholder. Well, my friends the list goes on. The Philippines spends the majority of its GDP on education, and with many Filipinos and Filipinas attending graduate schools, it is a well-educated country. English is also widely spoken in the Philippines, so if you come from an English-speaking nation (or are passably fluent in it), the language barrier is less of an issue as compared to other Asian nations (Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam in particular). Personality is also a draw, as Filipinos and Filipinas are generally garrulous and easygoing. Well, that is until you do (or don’t do) something to upset them – but we’ll save that for a later section…
So, if you are a single guy or gal coming to the Philippines and open to the possibility of a relationship with an educated, attractive, English-speaking and genuinely nice Filipino or Filipina, you just might find yourself in the right place at the right time.
GENDER NOTE
For most of this chapter, I am going to be referencing relationships from the heterosexual male perspective. Keep in mind that all kinds of gender types fall into contemporary “relationship” definitions. Yes, my friends, the times they are a changing: There are female expats in relationships with Filipinos and foreigners of both sexes involved in other less mainstream relationships. We were dining at a local restaurant not too long ago, and sitting around us were an older Western woman with a younger hunky Filipino, a gay male couple and a Western expat enjoying a romantic repast with a ladyboy. Taken as a whole, these relationships are not met with the same amount of judgement or derision as you would see in the West.
Jaded Expat: Gender-bending isn’t that big of an issue among the denizens of the Philippines. It only becomes an issue when an unsuspecting foreigner liaisons with a pretty Filipina, only to discover she is possessed of a few extra parts. This is especially true if you are out alone and drinking. If it’s any consolation, though, it only really hurts the first time….
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
The potential for all types of relationships exists in the Philippines. Before heading out into the field, it is crucially important that you understand exactly what you are looking for so that you won’t be confusing yourself or – more importantly – others. Are you looking for an actual dedicated relationship or just on the hunt for fun casual hookups? Understanding your intention is incredibly important. Filipinas are typically looking for dedicated partners, so if you are going to do the passport bro approach, stick to the professionals (or semi-pros). Like anywhere else in the world, playing games with other peoples hopes is a shitty thing to do.
Now, with all that said, let’s take a look three relational approaches: Conventional dating/courting for long term relationships, feckless whoremongering and casual ‘gamers’ on the prowl for free sex.
DATING
Dating in the Philippines is a bit different than dating in the West. For many foreigners, it can seem a bit old fashioned, if not quaint. A better way of looking at it would be more of a traditional “courting,” where the man (the “suitor”) expresses his desire to woo his prospective partner with sweet talk, small gifts and declarations of loyalty. And although “courting” and “suitor” are not always spoken out loud, you will still see the effect it still has on relationships here. For when it comes to tradition, the Philippines is yet another example of how the present is a reflection of its past.
For the newly arrived, keep this in mind: If you are in one of the major metropolitan areas, don’t expect serial dating in the Philippines to be easy. Filipinas are notoriously jealous when compared to Western women and will go to amazing lengths to ensure that their suitor is only wooing them. How far will they go, you ask? Well, remember the privacy you’ve come to expect on your email, Messenger, WhatsApp, and other digital communications? Kiss that goodbye, brother. Same for phone texts and call logs. All are liable to be perused at your mate’s leisure, and it’s not really considered as an invasion of privacy. They’re so good at it, in fact, that I’ve gone on record noting that the NSA missed a great opportunity in not outsourcing its electronic data collection work to the Philippines. We’ll talk about that in more depth a bit later.
MONGERS/PASSPORT BROS
Along with Thailand and Cambodia, the Philippines has come to be known as a vacation destination for “whoremongers” around the globe. Often shortened to “mongers” within their own community, these guys actually have internet sites dedicated to their lifestyle. These self-described mongers like to avail themselves of the attractive, low-cost sex workers found on the streets, bars and clubs throughout the Philippines. This type of role is characterized by implicit understandings by both side and an exchange of money in return for services.
NOTE: This group was originally referred to as ‘mongers’ in the 2014 edition of this book, and the movement ‘evolved’ alongside the cringe-worthy MGTOW/INCEL/Pickup Artist movements that time. Now, in 2025, the meaning is the same, but they are now more commonly referred to as ‘passport bros.’ Still, a rose by another other name will still smell as… wondrously pungent.
CASUALS
This final category is best reserved for those who enjoy spending time with women but are not usually exchanging that time for money. Some casuals lean toward the monger side of things but instead of paying, they prefer “playing” the girl (saying they want a relationship but just want to get laid). Other casuals are more akin to the dating crowd, but they are not all that serious, preferring instead the excitement of the hunt and reward of the proverbial ‘kill.’ You will encounter many casuals if you a regular at Philippine bars and clubs. They can usually be identified by their sweat-stained Hawaiin shirts and incredibly sad pickup chatter aimed at the attending bar staff.
DATING: PAST AND PRESENT
As with many things in the Philippines, family plays a key role in the courtship process. Decades ago, a Filipino wasn’t just marrying a Filipina – he was basically marrying the entire family. (The Philippines is slow to change, and in 2025, this is still pretty much the case.) Thus, the first hurdle a potential suitor faced in winning the hand of a lovely Pinay was wooing her family. There are some traditional sayings for this such as “I will chop the wood – I will carry the water….” (Ihihiwa ako ng kahoy – Magdadala ako ng tubig.) And by saying (and doing) these things, the suitor was showing that he was industrious and serious in his intentions. Another considered factor was the social class of the suitor. Families usually wanted “something better” for their daughters, so it was important that the suitor was at least of the same class or – more preferably – higher. For in marrying their daughter, the entire family would receive a boost to their own status. This continues in the modern day with foreigners (and Filipino-Americans) being perceived as “higher class.” This is one of the reasons expats are sometimes seen as “good catches” by Filipinas and their families. Paralleling this is the earnings/holdings of the suitor, which in days gone past were factored through assets such as property, number of livestock, agrarian output and the like. Nowadays, this is determined more through job titles (doctor, lawyer, etc.) or foreign remittances (pensions, OFW earnings and the like).
Decades ago, once the suitor won the family’s permission to woo their daughter (and if he didn’t and went ahead anyways, he might find himself in a bit of trouble…), he would knuckle down and let loose with the full romantic arsenal that he had at his disposal. Love letters were written in a flowing hand, espousing his love and commitment. Flowers were gathered and arranged and left at her home. Or – when pulling out the heavy guns – he would grab his guitara and serenade her from outside her home (harana) as dusk fell and the smell of tropical flowers filled the air. Today, love letters have been superseded by Messenger and the occasional text, and even though the technologies have changed, the conveyance of the regard has stayed the same. Flowers also still factor into the equation, but nowadays it is a lot easier to pick up ready-made arrangements from the market or have them delivered by a local florist. As for harana/serenade, perhaps we can look to the proliferation of romantic Tagalog love songs in videoake parlors as a continuation of that custom.
A bigger difference between the courtship process of the past and the way it is pursued nowadays is in the SPEED in which it can take place. And although technology has played a key role in this, the urbanization of city areas might also have something to do with it, for in a city, everything tends to move along at a faster pace. Still though, even with the passing of the decades, Filipinas (and their families) are still looking for the same thing: A dependable, hardworking and committed man that will make their daughter’s life better.
[Some of these practices are talked about by the British author Paul T. Gilbert. He graduated Oxford back in 1900 and spent five years teaching in Mindanao. His book – The Great White Tribe in Filipinia – is an EXCELLENT read and you can get a free ebook version of it over at Project Gutenberg website.]
Now, before moving on, let’s take a quick look at chaperones and allowances.
CHAPERONES
To maintain propriety, a Filipina will often bring a friend or relative along on your first meetup/date. This is the ‘proper’ way things are done Philippines, and after your prospective uyab concludes that you are not a frothing-at-the-mouth axe murderer, the chaperone phase will come to an end. If it continues – or if there are multiple chaperones showing up – you are probably just being exploited for free meals for their friends or relatives. Such manipulation is par for course here in the Philippines, so don’t take it personal and simply move on. And note that the chaperone piece isn’t universal – You will see it more with the conservative girls in the province than with the more liberal ladies in the cities.
ALLOWANCES
A surprising (or not so…) number of foreigners pay their girlfriends or spouses monthly allowances. That is, they give them a certain amount of money that they can use however they see fit. Amounts vary, but the largest I have heard of is 20,000 pesos/$400 USD a month which is a pretty hefty chunk of change. This is on the high side, and the average amount seems to be somewhere between five to ten thousand. Some might balk at the concept of an allowance, seeing it as more akin to salaried prostitution, but keep in mind that Western couples with only one working spouse often have similar arrangements. In the Philippines, more often than not, a good portion of these allowances are sent home to their families, thus reinforcing the notion of another Filipino family being raised from poverty by a foreign uyab (boyfriend/girlfriend).
Jaded Expat: “My “allowance” consists of a one-time 3,000-peso fee, given when it’s time for her to go. It’s a pricier plan over time, but at least I avoid that whole “responsibility” thing….”
We briefly covered whoremongers earlier, so now let’s take a quick dip into prostitution in the Philippines. Having talked about the ganders, now let’s talk about the gooses…
SEX WORKERS/PROFESSIONAL PROSTITUTES
Despite its illegality, prostitution is alive and well in the Philippines. As stated earlier, the country is, in fact, a rather notorious destination for those looking to take sex-cations. The sprawling urban areas of Angeles, Manila, and Cebu have large populations of professional gals (and guys and those in between…) making their day-to-day off the world’s oldest profession. Their professional services are available to both local Filipinos and visiting foreigners – they usually don’t discriminate.
Much.
SEMI-PRO’S
Due to the abysmal economic conditions facing that majority of the Philippine population, you will find a surprising number of ‘semi-pro’s’ in the Philippines. These can take the form of college students struggling with tuition costs to the wholesome-looking young lady that you met at the local discothèque. Typically, a semi-pro will be with someone in expectation of a monetary gift, usually bestowed the next morning. Note that these ladies would NEVER describe themselves as prostitutes, and the monetary compensation is usually couched as proceeds for a new phone, load, clothing or an expensive taxi or bus ride home.
BAR GIRLS
Sometimes referred to as GRO’s (Guest Relation Officers), bar girls can be found in a variety of active (and not so active) night club areas. These hard scrabblers will keep you company in return for “lady drinks” – overpriced libations of which the bar and bar girl each receive a percentage of. Women working at these bars can often be “bar-fined,” meaning, you pay the club owner in order to take his worker away for a sexual liaison – either “short time” or “long time.” Despite the continued unlawfulness of prostitution in the Philippines, the practice has been in place for decades. The rationale behind a “bar fine” is that you are compensating the club for the time that the bar girl employee is spending away from her actual job.
Having taken our antibiotics, let’s get back to the more traditional approach to relationships…
MEETING PEOPLE
With over 115 million citizens packed into a land mass the size of Arizona, meeting people in the Philippines isn’t going to be a problem. This is especially true in or around urban areas. Some days, it will actually be a bit much – you’re going to find yourself surrounded by masses of folks schooling like fish on their way hither or yore. After a while, the issue won’t be meeting people – it will be finding some quality alone time, which many foreigners treasure and Filipinos find unfathomable.
SMILE!
If you are not used to eye contact or receiving smiles or inquisitive stares from strangers, the Philippines is initially overwhelming. I came from the cold and dreary city of Boston, Massachusetts, where holding eye contact with a stranger is usually a preamble to a punch in the throat. Truth be told, I was so limited in my capacity to smile back at strangers that I had to practice smiling in my apartment’s bathroom mirror. That’s not something I like to admit – but it’s true: My facial muscles had atrophied to the point that my smile attempts looked more like pain-ridden grimaces. It took a while (and some practice) but I’ve finally mastered smiling. (Although my wife would disagree.)
“HELLO”
There is a joke among the expat community that the number one, absolutely fail-proof pick up line in the Philippines is… “Hello.” It’s kind of harsh, but it’s also true: If you want to meet Filipinas, you are going to have to do some work. The female residents of the Philippines are not simply going to throw themselves at you because you’re there. (And if one does throw herself at you, she might not be the kind of women you are looking for). Filipinas are (ostensibly) shy, and compared to the West, the ‘nice girls’ usually won’t initiate conversation. A few years back, I met a foreigner at MacDonald’s who was complaining about the hard time he was having meeting women. Come to find out, he was waiting for them to approach him. I told to him that that is not the way it really works here (or anywhere else in the world), and the next time I saw him, he had a girlfriend. So, I guess he had learned – or summoned up the courage – so finally say “hello.”
When you arrive in the Philippines, you’ll find this to be a great icebreaker: “Hi, my name is Tom and I just got to Davao. I’m kinda lost – could you point me in the direction of someplace good to eat?” Even if you’re not looking for a relationship, this is a great way to introduce yourself, find some cool local spots and it’s also an excellent opportunity to start working on those atrophied smile muscles. Plus, you never know what may come of it – The gal you are chatting up might know someone renting scooters or a great home or apartment rental. In the Philippines, you never know where an impromptu conversation will lead. It’s called networking, and it all starts with saying “Hello.”
ONLINE DATING
It works for some, but for others, online dating is a total and absolute fail. Digital dating has revolutionized the way we interact, and there is no shortage of websites catering to those looking for love in Southeast Asia. Some of these sites are free and open to all, while others require a paid subscription in order to message members or take advantage of other features. Most of– if not all – of them have their fair share of scammers, hustlers and ladyboys. At times, it can very hard to actually know who is who – or what is what. Over the years, there have been massive discussions on Philippines expat forums as to the actual number of scammers lurking about online of dating sites. Although no definitive tally has been ever been determined, be assured that the total number is quite significant.
Jaded Expat: I may be jaded, but even I will admit that there are just as many foreigner hustlers as Filipina scammers. The Filipinas are hustling cash – the foreigners are hustling nookie.
I know quite a few guys who are happily married or in long-term relationships with women they have met online. I also know quite a few guys who have gotten hustled – some for thousands (or tens of thousands) of dollars. When it comes to online dating, though, realize that the people getting burned by hustlers voice their complaints more than those who have met someone and are happy. You’ll always hear the grumblings about the “sick grandmother” and “stolen cell phone” scenarios, but people who are happy rarely go online to declare “Hey, I met this woman online,. We got married six years ago and now have three kids. Life is so great!” And if they do, they’ll probably be met with a tableful of eyerolls. Real manly men don’t talk like that! We are only here to grumble and mainsplain!
PERSONAL INTRODUCTIONS
Meeting someone through friends or their family is a good way to separate the wheat from the chaff – or, in the Philippines – the grains of rice from the husks. Such referrers will have (hopefully) known the person for a good amount of time and will have some sort of handle on their character. This method is more preferable to the roulette wheel that is online dating or chat sites. It’s a bit more work than simply “winking” at a stranger on Filipino Cupid, but with something as important as a relationship, it’s well worth the effort. Again, it’s the whole networking thing.
FACEBOOK
Zuckerberg’s ubiquitous “Shrine to Myself” can also be useful on the relationship front lines. Facebook is HUGE in the Philippines, so much so that connection speeds slow to a snail’s pace after 5 PM when folks are updating their daily status. Facebook is useful in that it gives you an opportunity to check the other person’s posting history, number of friends (watch out for lots for lots of foreigner friends) and how in love with themselves they are (count the number of selfies). One thing to look out for is dummy accounts. A good way to see if it is legit is to check the number of friends they have. More importantly, check to see if their family members are listed. If they are not, that’s a pretty big warning flag right there.
CHURCH
Some folks have reported good results meeting people through their local congregations. The book’s authors have no personal experience with this approach, so we can’t vouch for its effectiveness. If having similar religious values is important to you, then being active with a local church or parish might be a good route to take. And beyond looking for and/or meeting just one person, it’s also a great way to meet like-minded Filipinos and foreign expatriates.
DIGITAL COMMUNICATION
A lot of introductions and communication is being done through Facebook Messenger, Tinder, WhatsApp and Viber. In order to effectively quest for and woo a prospective partner, you have to learn how to use these apps. Yahoo Messenger used to be the reigning king of communication in the Philippines, but sadly, its service shut down on August 5, 2016. RIP, Yahoo Messenger!! Nowadays, most communication is through Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp and Viber, with Messenger being the reigning king of communication in the Philippines.
VIDEO CALLS
When online “dating”, be sure to get to a video call as soon as humanly possible. Don’t waste too much time messaging back and forth. The purpose for this is three-fold: First, a good deal of communication is non-verbal and video chatting provides more contextual information than you’ll get through texting. Second, a lot of Filipinas get bored and like to endlessly text for their own amusement – even if they are not all that interested in the person. Finally, a video call provides an opportunity to check for an Adams’s apple and to see if your digitally significant other is chatting with different people at the same time. If your interested other cannot seem to find a phone or ‘internet café’ to video call, tell her to message you when she can.
WARNING SIGNS
Requests for money are a big red flag, as are initial reports of illnesses or injuries in her family that might be a foreshadowing of upcoming money requests. Do yourself a favor and DO NOT send money to anyone you are chatting with. The Philippines is a poor country, and pretty women discovered long ago that they can easily use their looks (and other’s dreams) to leverage financial reward from the internet.
You’ve been warned…
“ARE YOU MARRIED, SIR?”
You’ll get this all the time. Like many things uniquely Filipino, I had heard about this phenomenon before arriving. But as with many things, seeing is actually believing. You will literally hear this question from just about every Filipino you meet. It generally pops up in conversation right after they ask your country of origin. Taxi drivers, hotel employees, street beggars and low-level government functionaries all apparently have to know your civil status. Sometimes this is followed with the “Oh, you should meet my cousin/sister/aunt!” In cases like this, I usually just mumble an excuse and am on my way. Those of a more adventurous bent, however, might just welcome such a proposal. Different strokes for different folks.
“YOU WANT A GIRL?”
Speaking of taxi drivers, this has happened to all of our contributors, so it’s worth noting: If you are a single guy don’t be surprised at the number of taxi drivers asking if you are looking for companionship. We say ‘single’ but it also applies to married guys or even those with their wives sitting right next to them. None of us have actively followed up on these offers, but we recommend a simple – if courteous – decline. Ulterior motives can be a game changer in the Philippines…
“THAT’S SO SAD….”
If you are out and about by yourself – be prepared for this one as well. This is even more pronounced if you are ‘unfortunate’ enough to be dining by yourself. Typically, it goes something like this:
Waitress: Did you want anything to drink with your meal, sir?
You: No, that’s OK.
Waitress: Are you here alone, sir?
You: Uh, why yes I am.
Waitress: Oh, that’s so sad…..
That last declaration is typically accompanied by a look of abject pity – similar to seeing a forlorn, abandoned puppy. I had heard about the “so sad” phenomenon – so often, in fact, that first time it was exclaimed in my presence, I couldn’t help but laugh. This left the server thinking I was even sadder still – and probably a few cans short of a San Miguel six pack. Again, I think this arises as a result of tight Filipino social ties and their tendency to flock: You will rarely see Filipinos out eating solo – and if you do, it’s usually workers out grabbing a quick lunch.’
++ So that’s it for this installment. If you are looking for a more concise/less fragmented version, buy the complete ebook for (a wopping) $6.95 by clicking HERE. Note that it is in epub format, so you will need an appropriate e-reader app (or Kindle) to read it. And if you notice any grammatical errors in this blog post or want to add you two centavos, feel free to leave a comment! ++
