Relationships: Jealousy in the Philippines, Part 2

 

In the first part of our blog/video, we looked at some of the social and historical factors that contribute to the Philippines’ exaggerated sense of jealousy.  It’s important that we look at these reasons so we can understand the context in which they are occurring.  In this final part of the blog (and video), we will be looking at some of the behaviors that arise out of these feelings.  And like I said, some of them are pretty extreme.

Jealousy Fueled Behaviors

Your Life is Not Your Own:  The US National Security Agency really missed an excellent opportunity by not outsourcing electronic intelligence collection to the Philippines.  When it comes to keeping tabs on your each and every move, don’t be surprised to find out that your once private phone texts, email, Skype, and Facebook accounts have suddenly become open source.  Although not unheard of in the West, this is pretty much standard operating procedure in the Philippines.  It’s shocking the first time it happens and pretty much grounds for instant separation.  By about the twentieth or thirtieth time (with as many woman), you might start to notice a general pattern forming and resign yourself to the matter. So, in short, don’t be surprised to find them going through your texts, Facebook, Twitter, emails, and whatever other source of electronic communication you might possess.  I know this is true because Edward Snowden told me!   😉

Watch Where You’re Watching:  She knows what you are looking at.  Even if you are different rooms, she will know.  If you’re out with a group and another woman gets up from the table, you better be looking right into the eyes of your significant other as the other woman sashays away.  Oh, and just try using the “Honey, it’s simply an involuntary reaction…..”  Yeah, good luck with that one, homes. 

Set Your Phone to Vibrate:  Every incoming phone call or text is seen as a potential threat.  Even after you have been together for a while, she will still raise her eyebrows whenever a notification sounds from your phone.  (Watch those eyebrows, brother!)  Even as more time passes she might say with an apparently easy smile,  “Oh, another girlfriend texting you.”  Don’t be fooled – she’s not really smiling……  😉

The Eyes are Upon You:  Once you get to the Philippines, you will soon realize that every Filipino personally knows about six billion other Filipinos.  And we’re not just talking “Facebook friends” here.  OK, OK – six billion is an exaggeration.  But it’s close.  Due to the extended family/clan system they have here, Filipinos tend to know a whole lot more people than the typical westerner.  And since Filipino families are less transient than those in the West, their family and clan roots run far and wide into the local community.  Even in a city the size of Dumaguete (130,000 full time/430,000 day time population), it’s shocking how many Filipinos know each other.  So, don’t be surprised if your each and every move is being watched.  Not to sound paranoid, but that’s just the way it is.  Add this to their tendency to “chismis,” and some bad things can come out of it.  Be warned!!  🙂

 So, now that we’ve talked over some of the behaviors and possess a modicum of understanding of what causes it, what the heck do we do if our partner’s jealousy keeps sticking it’s ugly head in our relationship?  Well, I try to keep things simple.  I am not a big fan of issuing ultimatums and drawing lines in the sand when it comes to relationships (they are much too complex to try to simply them that way) so I looked at it like this:  I had a feeling that Michell was a really good person.  I had been chatting with her every day for over a year and she possessed many qualities that I really admired.  I also knew that I wanted a long term relationship – something significant.  My “chickboy” years were well behind me and I wanted something more substantive.  So, when the jealousy things came up, I battened down the hatches, weathered out the storm, and kept on keeping on, steady on the course.  I wasn’t a doormat, and I did issue an ultimatum once, but I also knew that I really liked this woman, and I wasn’t going to let something as irrational as jealousy get in the way of it.  We talked, we compromised, and over time the behaviors tapered off.  Is jealousy a non-issue now?  Is it really all puppies and rainbows at the Pink House?  Hell, no.  It still pops up, but at this point in our relationship, we are able to talk about it, share a laugh, and move on.

So, that’s about it.  I know some folks are going to be all over the place in regards to this one, but I am simply reporting things as I see them.  What are your experiences?  What’s worked for you?  What hasn’t?

 




Comments 19

  1. Hi!!!!!!
    Me and my American bf is a big fan of yours. I do have some not so good reaction when we were reading this “jealousy” thing and he totally agree with the way you are describing Filipinas (he kept on saying yes to you while he is watching your video!! lol) and he even admitted to me that I am not that easy to deal with (seems he doesn’t have a choice though when he told me). Anyway, the word jealousy isn’t easy to accept, personally, I can only speak for myself but i would say I am just cautious rather than jealous, I will be jealous and gone when I have proof.
    The cause factors you stated are superbly true but see, this is simple, and I am sure Michelle will agree, you guys matters to us so much that we want to keep you for ourselves. Do not wait for us not to feel “jealous” (if that’s how you call it), you will surely miss us if we stop. 🙂 🙂 🙂

    prettyful

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      It’s not a bad thing in and of itself – it’s just so different than what we are used to in the West, that it takes some time for us to get used to it. A lot of guys go ballistic over this, but since this isn’t our country, it’s something that we have to accept and adapt to. Michell knows that I am crazy about her and wouldn’t risk losing her for anything. But – like you – she doesn’t like talking about it. That’s why she wasn’t in the video. Thanks, prettyful for the kind words. 🙂

  2. Hi Philippine Dreams. First love the site and all your videos. Thank You very much for trying help us guys out. Sorry about Prettyful. We had a heated discussion about your jealousy videos and I told her that you where exactly right, and she has not stopped trying to convince the world she is not jealous. Now she got all excited that you answered back and shes still trying to convince everyone she is not jealous. It just so happens Prettyful is from Dumaguete too. If you don’t mind making making a request can you make some more videos like the one when you made when you went up to the mountains on your scooter. It’s so beautiful there.

    Thanks agian for all the help and teaching us US guys about the Philippines

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      Michell is VERY sensitive about this subject as well, so I totally understand. Actually, I think it’s pretty much universal here, so keep that in mind. We tried to go to Siquior for some nice scenic footage this weekend, but I’m sick, so we didn’t go. We will get there soon, though. Take care, man. 🙂

  3. I think PRETTYFUL has it covered. Their threshold of tolerance might seem a bit low at times but you gotta see it from their perspective. Plenty of us get a bit twitchy from time to time about this, especially when in our own country.

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  4. I have to agree that…..when you consider all that you said…..all the cheating that goes on by the men in the Philippines….Filipinas are breed to worry about this with their man/men.
    I have heard plenty from my wife about the men she watched as she grew up…even within her own family.
    The difficulty is that WE are paying the price of past deeds of others.
    And….the question remains….HOW LONG will it take for the “cautiousness” to dissipate. You cannot expect it to pass very quickly–it is DEEPLY ingrained. That’s one of my concerns.
    “Cautious” is a little too weak of a description of this condition.
    When filipina wives do this to the extreme…and many do…..it shows a lack of trust…..BIG TIME. Tell me…who likes being mistrusted when you are a good person and husband.
    Filipinas have a lot of reshaping to do in their thinking. Balance is in order here.

    This makes me think of something funny about the 2 cultures
    My Filipina wife would cause me to feel a little guilty about our culture…she would often point out that there is no divorce in the Philippines BUT…. it is rampant herein the USA….

    BUT THEN…as time went on and the more I learned about the Philippines…..I turned to her a “kindly” said…ARE YOU SERIOUS????? SURE…there is no “LEGAL” divorce there (unless you are rich)…….but there is MASSIVE (and I mean MASSIVE) AMOUNTs of cheating going on…
    Men having kids with one wife…leave that one and shack up with another…and then again. So many having their mistresses on the side. HOLY CRAP…haha
    Well guess what..? she doesn’t say it now that I am a bit more educated…hmmm

  5. omg! john just can’t help it! he sshush me so many times while he was writing his comment on this and yes twitchy is more acceptable than jealous 🙂 🙂 🙂

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      1. lol thanks to you both, really we are a fun couple, my “cautiousness” is there of course and I know he is being observant with everything I do and say but so far we have not gone to a really big fight, we talk a lot, from my fart to balut which he hate so much 😀 down to the most important things. So basically, communication is still the key to everything. I am cautious coz I love him and he is still with me because he want’s us to work. Again, I can only speak for myself, I still don’t consider me as jealous 🙂 🙂 🙂

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          1. Oh shush! I’m not jealous lol 🙂 and our nasty topics (which i enjoy so much), you don’t wanna know bout them. Anyway, we are an avid fan and so thankful for having you guys around who took the time to show all these videos and how beautiful our country is and of course highlighting those stuffs that the rest of the world is having a hard time understanding…

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  6. Woah! I’m really enjoying the template/theme of this blog. It’s simple, yet effective. A lot of times it’s very difficult to get that “perfect balance” between superb usability and visual appearance. I must say that you’ve done a superb job with this. Additionally, the blog loads extremely fast for me on Chrome. Superb Blog!

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  7. Jealousy is not a invention of the Philippines it is universal. I really enjoy your website and videos, I may even signup. But regarding looking at other women, when I was a young Buck dating a woman about 15 years my senior, she said, “You look when the woman looks and look and break your look when she breaks her look.” I think all women want to know men appreciate beauty but never want you to take it to far. In other words be alive, don’ be a dead fish, but don’t be a shark either. I know this is personal bit would you mind discussing your sources of income? I was speculating that you might be retired military with a small pension.

    Salamat,
    Juan

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  8. My boyfriend stumbled upon the two-part article,hence I’m here. 🙂 yeah, we’ve had jealousy arguments and he’s trying to decrypt the codes. Haha.

    While I’m not going to be in denial that I’m a very jealous person, but I would like to justify as to why…speaking on behalf of other Filipinas that can relate 🙂 I’ll try to be fair and give an unbiased comment though

    Things happen for a reason-jealousy that is. No matter what your status is, jealousy is rampant because we are very sensitive. For the nth time, men think logically and women think emotionally (per Venus and Mars book). That being said, our emotions are magnified by our sensitivity. The love, time, affection and efforts that we give/make are the best(est) that we have and we do not want to be taken for granted or feel unappreciated. I guess that is just a fair and normal thinking if not valid as “logical” for men. I agree to that one comment that jealousy is universal but to relate to your cultural notion, I would put it more on the strong family ties rather than the kabit thing from Spanish. Yes we have big clans, whatsoever and that could imply a strong bond among us. And the next line should satisfy your eyes because I will finally say it – it’s the insecurity that devours us when it comes to being possessive. Women want to feel that sense of belongingness and exclusivity in the relationship just like how she saw his mom with dad, uncle with auntie, etc… Aka the perfect picture of a family that she ever dreams of. We always want to feel the love and respect (a whole lot of things from being polite, tales of a gentleman and Maria clara… Etc) that we learned from our ancestors. We work hard to keep the relationship long term and perfect, and when it fucks up, our world falls apart or when we don’t feel appreciated, that’s when really the Fuck up starts to happen. Bottomline is, jealousy is attributed to women’s highly sensitive attitude. It’s not just Filipinas, it’s women all over the world. there are levels of jealousy,some women have reached that peak and become possessive – and that I think now is the unhealthy one.

    To contribute on how to deal with jealousy and avoid unlocking the skill of extreme possessiveness, here are my suggestions;
    – Understand your differences. Instead of insisting your different culture and personality, adjust and always think of what his/her viewpoint is before yours.
    – Appreciate all efforts /time/attention, all things positive… And I assure you, whatever you want from the girl will come naturally
    – Don’t make her feel alone in public or with people around. Face it guys, you’re more independent and can carry yourselves well in or out of a relationship. That’s why women have pussies! When an independent girl (or not) is in a relationship, she becomes vulnerable and submits to you. She trusts that you’ll take care of her, or she can be the complete opposite back when she was single..
    – stop trying to hide anything, the more you hide the more you look suspicious. It’s just me but I don’t need to know passwords but I don’t like gadgets hidden or secretive acts in front of me or worse, behind my back. I think this issue is all about openness. We are willing to share anything and we expect the same back. Admit it or not, it only gets ugly when you start hiding or masking the details to be vague. Don’t make a monster out of your Angels hehe.
    – be patient, both of you.

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      Wow, I think I am going to steal most of that for my next book!! Thanks for taking the time to write that all out, Biba – and you presented a few things that I have never even thought of.

      Thanks so much!

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